Every day I hold my breath until noon, waiting, hoping, listening for the phone to ring. I awake in the night to offer up a prayer that while it is night here, they will be issuing the papers there, for us to get the call….
Every morning my heart breaks into a million pieces, and I have to tuck that hurt deep down in order to continue on with our day. I have five other little people here who need me to be Mom. I think, when do I get to be her mom?
For nearly two years, I have waited to be her mom. We have waited in limbo. Not making any major plans, living as thrifty as possible, agonizing over the passing of time and what that might mean for our future. For her future. Every month that passes, our future daughter goes untreated. How much damage will that be? Will it affect her development further? Will this month be the difference between her being able to lead an independent life or needing full support as an adult? Is this week the week that her brain will atrophy more? What will that mean? Will she be okay?
We will keep praying, knowing that God knows more than we do, and that He has perfect timing. His plans for us may not be what we hope and plan for, but we must trust that His plan is better. My flesh doesn’t want to accept this, but my whole being knows that I must. I cannot make things go any faster, so I must find comfort in God’s timing and stop trying to be in control.