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Heartbreak and Hope

Somewhere across the world, Glory is in her little care home, unaware of the potential violence and danger surrounding her.  If you are not aware, her country has a lot of turmoil right now.  Somewhere across the world, a piece of my heart is living and breathing and has no idea who I am.

But I know her.

For 20 months, I have watched this tiny little peanut transform. I have rejoiced in her triumphs, and prayed for her diligently.  She is on my mind and heart day and night.  She doesn’t have to love me for this magnitude of motherly love that I have for her.

My almost five year old daughter has prayed for Glory to come home soon, multiple times a day, every single day.

Soon……

Will she come home?  What if she doesn’t?  What if her country collapses and she never comes home, will she survive?  Will her medical conditions get worse, will she perish as an orphan never knowing that I love her?  Will I have to tell my almost 5 year old that the sister she has prayed for every single meal for 20 months, will not be coming home after all, and watch her little body shatter with heartache?

The situation is very fragile.

I know her.  In my heart, 20 months ago, I embraced this little girl as my own.  I watch her grow in pictures every week.  We rejoiced when she learned to stand, something we weren’t sure she would ever do.  We were joyful when she learned to walk and became one of the shoe wearing kids. When she began to wave and her eyes took on a whole new spirit, my heart was bursting with gratitude that the care she was now getting, was helping.  I pray for her safety, I pray for her healing, I pray for her to come home. I pray for her future.  I am concerned for her, I care about her, I want all good things for her as her almost mother.

My heart is on the verge of breaking every day that the news reports more violence, and every day that goes by that we do not hear anything.  Our case is literally one paper from completion.  We are that close, and yet I have no idea if we will ever see her.  I am incredibly sad for all of the citizens of her country.  I am not so callus as to only be concerned about our case.  Still, knowing how sick she could get……. I can’t help but constantly wonder if I will ever see her go to the doctor, hold her hand through care, and rock her in my arms.

What if I never get to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her?

Adoption is risky.  We sign a multitude of papers acknowledging that things can happen that mean we may never see the child we are desiring to adopt.  We sign papers saying that should those things happen, we understand that the tens of thousands we have spent will not be returned. We sign papers acknowledging that we will not hold the agency responsible for said things.  We sign these papers in hope and prayer that none of those “things” happen.  We allow ourselves to move forward.  We allow ourselves to put our money and love into a situation that cannot be guaranteed.

We allow ourselves to move forward with hope.  Most people who have never adopted, cannot even fathom this gigantic risk.  The money is a huge thing…HUGE…we are not wealthy at all.  We have given up anniversary and birthday gifts, going out to dinner, eating the better cuts of meat….heck I haven’t had a new pair of shoes in two years….it is a risk that is worth every single struggle to bring home this little girl that no one would say yes to.

The financial part is a risk….but the love is even greater.  No amount of money lost can compare to the shattering thoughts of never holding a child you love so greatly. No amount of money can compare to the idea that if that child does not come home, they may not have a future, and they would forever remain an orphan.  An orphan who has no family whatsoever, no one to turn to in times of need, no one to comfort them and pray over them when life hits hard, no one.  If she lived.

What if I never get to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her?

I still have hope though.  I still have faith.  We are one paper from bringing her home.  It is still, today, possible that she will be adopted. No one knows how things will go, but I have to have hope.  I have to.

What will it be like to finally hold her, to tell her that I am her momma, and that she is loved….that is what I hope for, what I am holding on to.

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