I have been doing a bit of soul searching over the last six months. As you all know, the past two years have been a struggle for me. Heck y’all, the first 29 years of my life were a struggle.
I am lifted up now though, God is good to me.
My soul is learning to be at peace with who I am. It’s hard to let go of that sinner and accept forgiveness and grace from the Lord. To value yourself as a daughter of the King.
A lot of why this blog has gone so slowly over the last few years is due to God working on my soul. I felt as though I was failing at life. We have openly struggled with our kids’ issues from being orphans, but I’m not sure people understand just how devastating it can be for both the children and the parents. I’m not sure people understand how much failure one can feel for not being able to just awesomely mesh. I also felt like I needed to do it all. My kids needed to eat as healthy as possible, I needed to make everything from scratch, I needed to be as natural as possible, I needed to use only the best home school programs, and I needed to some how educate Anna and Tanner perfectly to make up for lost time. Not to mention, keep the house scrubbed, make our soaps and body care stuff, make herbal medicines, farm, garden, etc……the list could go on and on and on.
I couldn’t blog, couldn’t share, because I failed at it all.
I couldn’t do it all….and if I couldn’t do it all, then I felt like I had failed.
And then God sent Zeke.
During my pregnancy, Tanner struggled the most. He and I spent many days at odds, many days in tears, and I was so worn down that I couldn’t keep up with everything. I wanted to be super mom, I mean this is my job, and I do take it seriously.
God sent us some very humbling experiences. Things that I never imagined would happen to me, and that lead to some amazing blessings. There truly is beauty in the ashes. I learned to forgive freely. I learned to accept God’s grace, and to extend it to others. I learned that keeping God as my center focus, and opening myself up to Him shining through me, is the most important thing.
The first thing I pray when waking up is this, “Lord let them see You in me.”
I don’t have to be perfect, but if they can just get a glimpse of the Lord in me each day, then I have succeeded.
I urge you all to try this. It’s amazingly freeing. Screw up, say a curse word, raise your voice…it’s okay, don’t throw in the towel. Stop and pray. Let them see You in me.
It will change you.
Let me tell ya, I am loving life. I have said that before, just after having Zeke, and it still holds true. I don’t have to do it all. I have FIVE kids, I can’t do it all. I do not soak my grains before feeding it to the kids. I grind up the flour the day I make bread and I just make it. I also joined Cotsco (holla if you love bulk toilet paper), and the kids eat a gallon of organic animal crackers each month….I’m okay with that.
I do not feel guilt over my lack of gardening abilities. It’s why I have the hubs. He finds peace in the garden.
I also took a few months of formal teaching off from Anna and Tanner, and I just played with them. I just bonded with them. I didn’t worry about their progress, their speech, their regressions, I just played and let them play. And they progressed more than they did in the first few years. They are amazing. Tanner still has SO many struggles. I’ll post tips about that for others, and tell the successes we have had later on. That time is precious to me now, I learned more about my kids, and how to accept the situations and deal effectively.
I learned not to worry about the horrible repercussion of going somewhere or enjoying fun that will ultimately result in regression. That leads to isolation, the lonely special needs parent. I just take it as it comes, we have fun, we deal, we move on. I learned to accept our special circumstances and not feel guilty because we do things differently.
When I pass away, I want people to think of me as I truly am. Not a saint, not some lie about doing it all, measuring up to some wonder mom worldly standard, no…I want them to see me as I see this woman.
That’s my Mawmaw. She’s beautiful. She’s quiet, meek, funny, wonderful, and she does everything prayerfully. She wasn’t the perfect mother, she didn’t stay home, homeschool, wear only dresses, never curse, or get all domesticated in the house (although she cleans like no one’s business, I’d probably be fine eating off her bathroom floor), but she is amazingly Godly. I see Him in her.
All of her “accomplishments” will one day be forgotten. Her love of God and her family will not.
I have struggled with not measuring up, not being successful, not working out of the home, not finishing my degree (I did all but my last 16 hours of student teaching remember..yeah I have like 150-ish college credits), not being the most patient, creative, activity filled mom. I blogged there for a while to keep a tally of my accomplishments, for myself to “see” that I was doing stuff. For me to feel as though I had met some measure of worth that really didn’t matter. It felt wrong. I stopped.
I couldn’t figure out how to be at peace with my lack of desire to be everything that makes someone “somebody” in this world that we live in, but also keep myself true to God’s calling. I love to sew, create things, write here, and dye my yarn. I’m not sure if I really want to sell it, that seems to be everyone’s thoughts, and I thought it was mine. I don’t want my blog to be business like, or to be some list of accomplishments or facade about a life that I don’t really lead.
I then came to an amazing revelation.
I don’t wanna be rich, successful, or wonder mom.
I want to be remembered as someone “they” went to for prayer, someone they see Him in, someone who lives and breathes 1 Timothy 6:11-12. Fight the good fight of faith.
I want to seek God, live for God, and glorify God in my works. So I can share stuff here that I enjoy, stuff about the kids, successes or failures, and be a living testimony. That is my new direction here, not a list of “things” to see, but a place to share my true joy of life. My love of doing what I was made to do.
Being a wife, a mom, a light for Him……and crafting cute things every now and then 🙂 It’s okay to love life, even if life is ugly, God is still there. It’s okay to not have your crap together, God still loves you…and me. So, I’m probably never going to be rich by worldly standards, I’m probably never going to be successful, but I do hope and pray that my legacy will live on as one of unwavering faith in Him, a legacy of love, a legacy of doing what is right.
Besides…I’m already rich. I did mention that I have FIVE kids right….I’m so rich in love I’m swimming in it 🙂