In case you are wondering, crapshoot is an actual word, and Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines it as something with an uncertain future….so not just me using crass language.
Four kids age 7 and under, two with Down syndrome and a few left over orphanage behaviors, one with some melt down anger issues, and one who is only 19 days old. Throw in 19 chickens, living in the middle of nowhere, homeschooling, cooking from scratch, and oh a million other things….yup that would be a recipe for a veritable crapshoot.
I can exclaim that it is not though! I should give that one more exclamation point just for pure joy in the fact that all of my fears prior to Grace’s arrival have been unfounded. So..!!!! Celebrate Good Times Come On!!!
Before Grace entered this world, I had imagined all sorts of ways that life in the future could go terribly wrong. I envisioned jealous children who would be chomping at the bit to get their hands on my delicate baby to over love or accidentally hide her. I had nightmares about trying to juggle all of my responsibilities around a nursing newborn. Could it all be done? Would my baby starve due to my lack of ability with keeping up, and thus throw us into the poor house buying corn syrup filled formula? Yeah, the fears just piled up. Not to mention (although I’m about to mention it), the one kid who spent an entire month practically climbing the walls and doing everything in his power to not follow any rule of the house, and the one little girl who would soil her britches on purpose when angry at her Momma. Yeah, I foresaw a crapshoot.
I did not for see a train wreck delivery and post partum period. Which turned out to be a blessing. I did not see that my Grace baby would in fact really be my Grace baby.
Before Grace’s arrival I was overly concerned about everything. I dwelled (is that even a word) on all of my kids’ behavior constantly all day long, everything was not perfect and thus annoyed me since I could not fix it, and I was losing touch on my relationship with God. Although, I would try over and over again to become connected, it was only by a thread each time. A very weak thread.
Insert almost dying, seeing my husband rise up and be my knight in shining armor, and seeing all three of my kids sick for the first time. Plus the arrival of my newest BFF who weighs all of 8lbs now.
Blew me over and gave me new life. I see my kids in a new light, my life as a true blessing that could be gone at any time, and my husband well….I just loves him more than evah! The kids have started back working on school each day, and I’m happy to say that Anna and Tanner have had quite the vocab boost. They are having so much fun learning and participating, something that almost never happened before. The weather has been gorgeous, this Momma is healing great, and I’ve been able to resume life to an enhanced and happier normal. Oh and the fight at the dinner table has almost resolved….after almost TWO years of fights and issues. TWO years of every single meal being a trial. Whew! That’s nice.
Maybe it is just me who has changed the most. I feel liberated, free in Christ, inspired to live a better life. Inspired to LIVE! And, who better to live it with than my FOUR children ages 7 and under 🙂
All of this is probably incoherent and a bunch of jumble, but I’m sure I’ll be able to cultivate this into something of substance over the next few months.